How Does Chronic Pain Affect A Marriage?

August 19, 2020 / Thomas Cohn, MD

Chronic pain affects many aspects of a person’s life, but it’s not just the individual dealing with the pain condition that has to bear the burden. According to new research, chronic pain can also significantly affect the relationship between a patient and their spouse.

The study published in the European Journal of Pain decided to take a closer look at the impact chronic pain had on households, spousal relationships and marital satisfaction. As you can probably guess, chronic pain can really put some stress on a relationship.

For the study, researchers questioned 114 couples where one spouse was a chronic pain patient at a clinic in Spain. Nearly 60% of participants were female, and the average age was 55 years old. The most frequent locations for chronic pain were the lower back (79.8%), neck (46.5%) and the knee (15.8%).

What Spouses Are Saying

After being asked about their lifestyle and martial satisfaction, here’s what patients and spouses had to say about how chronic pain was impacting their life.

Spouses reported an average of just over 90 minutes of caregiving duties each day.
65.8% of patients reported an occupational change because of their chronic pain, with some going on permanent disability and others quitting without compensation.
Of 24 listed chores, patients said they performed an average of 18 before chronic pain began but were limited to an average of 12 tasks after pain.
On the flip side, spouses said on average that they took on two more chores after their spouse developed chronic pain.
52% of spouses reported a high to severe degree of burden, and roughly 1 in 4 patients and spouses reported having a troubled relationship.

There’s a lot to sort through with these findings, but the main takeaway is that chronic pain can really stress a marriage. Not only can it financially affect the relationship in the form or lost or reduced income, but it can also require the spouse to take on a much bigger caretaker role. Being both a caretaker and a spouse can be stressful and can lead to relationship dissatisfaction, but it doesn’t have to.

There are a number of ways to help mitigate the stress brought on by chronic pain, and we don’t have all the answers here because chronic pain is so unique to the individual. However, one of the best things you can do is talk about your concerns, your fears, your wishes and your goals. Speak up and communicate with your doctor, your care team and your spouse about what concerns you and what you can do to help improve your relationships.

Relationships take work, and relationships involving chronic pain can take even more work, but they are far from doomed. Work to correct your pain issues and to foster an open dialogue between you, your partner and your doctor, and we’re confident your relationship will move in the right direction. And for help with any aspect of your pain care, reach out to Dr. Cohn’s office today.

Chronic Pain In College Part 3 – Pain and Your Love Life

December 2, 2015 / Thomas Cohn, MD

(Below is Part 3 of a four-part series on chronic pain in high school and college. It was penned by a college student who has dealt with chronic pain throughout her academic career. The four-part series will cover four important aspects of college life – Academics, Dating, Employment and Social Life. Here’s Part 3 on how balancing a relationship and chronic pain can sometimes be overwhelming. Click these links for Part 1 and Part 2.

Chronic Pain and Dating

If you want to be in a relationship, you can. I’m not going to say it won’t be complicated at times, but you are still a human being and can enjoy being in a relationship. Some common concerns and reasons to justify avoiding relationships include worries about “burdening others with your health,” worrying about how your pain can affect the time and things you can comfortably do with your partner, and that you won’t be able to enjoy a relationship when your health isn’t stable.

I’ve thought one or more of these things at different points of my life (before, during, and after relationships), I’ve even used my health as a reason to end a relationship, but I’d also like to point out the many good parts about relationships and why you shouldn’t dismiss a relationship opportunity for the “what-if” fears associated with your health. If someone you like asks you out, I would suggest you give it a try before saying no. You’ll never know what you can or cannot do in life unless you try it. Also, don’t assume any two people or relationships are the same. People grow and change throughout life, and as such relationships are and will be different.

Being Honest About Your Pain

Honesty is EXTREMELY important in ALL concerns you may have about how to handle a relationship with at least one individual with chronic pain. Whenever I’ve been in a relationship, the person I’ve dated either knew before or relatively early on that I had back pain. I’ve often thought of my pain as a “burden to others,” but the more people I meet, the more faith I have in humanity and less I think like this. My friends, family, and those I’ve dated have all told me they are there for me whenever I need them, I’m not a burden, and they want to be there for me through the difficult times.

Because I’ve met enough people like this, I believe there is a person of this belief out there for you as well. I made sure to make it clear that I have good and bad days and sometimes that can affect what I’m up for doing (whether that is school, homework, work, or dates). Being open about how you feel when you’re with your significant other can help avoid hurt feelings if there is a time that it would be uncomfortable to go bowling or cuddle or whatever it is. Honesty early on can also allow your date to leave a relationship early on if they can’t handle being in a relationship with someone with health problems. For a different spin on things – you can consider your health as your “baggage.” After all, everyone brings something into a relationship that can complicate things, and there is no shame or avoiding it, so accept it, be honest, and move forward.

Find Support

If you have chronic pain, you will know the strength you need to get through the day. It takes a similar strength to be supportive to someone else in pain, but life is easier when you are with someone who is supportive. Personally, I often find distraction as a great pain-reduction technique; so being with others (even while in intense pain) can actually be helpful. Whether I’m with a group of good friends or with a significant other hanging out, allowing my mind to be on living and enjoying what’s going on in the present has helped me get through some tough times. There are also times that my pain can prevent me from leaving my room. Knowing this about myself has allowed me to enter a relationship, inform my partner, and maintain that communication in the event plans need to change last minute. Nurturing—maybe it’s simply helping others—is an archetypal part of human nature. Professors, friends, family, and significant others are generally helpful and will look for ways to help you through whatever you are dealing with if you share what’s going on. People will be there, don’t ever feel like you have to get through everything by yourself, there is no reason to make yourself do that.

I’m guessing the next biggest problem many young adults with chronic pain worry about in relationships is being physically close with others. I know I’ve struggled with this before. I have times that whatever position I’m in, I’m in pain, or times that my body is painful without even being touched. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been uncomfortable when hanging out with a significant other. However, I have also learned that being honest and setting those boundaries or voicing when you can or can’t or don’t want to do something (whatever the reason) is always the better route. If your significant other truly cares about you, they will understand (they may be disappointed), but they would rather look out for your health, safety, and well being than satisfy a momentary pleasure. In today’s pleasure-seeking culture, maybe this sounds outrageous, but I still think many people that are in relationships (rather than one-night-stands) are people that do care about people in a long-term way rather than just the present. When you’re in a lot of pain, it can be hard to think of the times you aren’t in pain, or think of all the good things and fun things you can do with friends or significant others.

Part 4 will be published early next week.

Could Dad Be To Blame For Chronic Pain Woes?

August 31, 2015 / Thomas Cohn, MD

A study out of Japan suggests that how parents bond with their children during adolescence could impact the child’s likelihood of developing chronic pain later in life.

Furthermore, the study suggests that children who had a poor bond with their father were the only group to show a significant increase in chronic pain likelihood.

The goal of the study was to better understand chronic pain as a complex biopsychosocial condition and how outside psychosocial factors like pain, pain-related fear, self-efficacy, anxiety, depression and psychological distress feed into that perception of pain.

For their study, researchers polled nearly 800 adults about their relationship with their parents and their overall health. Participants completed the Parental Bonding Instrument, a self-administered questionnaire that assessed perceived parental bonding, as well as a health assessment. The PBI test asked respondents several questions about their relationship with their parents growing up, including questions about the perceived level of bonding, over/underparenting, affection and discipline as well as control and understanding. Participants took the survey twice, once while contemplating their relationship with their father and the next while answering questions about their mother.

After comparing the PBI results with the results from the health exam, researchers uncovered:

Compared to the optimal bonding group, the odds ratio for having chronic pain was much higher in the affectionless control group for paternal bonding and for maternal bonding.

When adjusting for other factors, significance remained only for parental bonding.

“The fact that fathers have been shown to be much more likely to use physical punishment and abuse than mothers in several epidemiological studies may also be related to these findings,” the study authors wrote. “Clearly, further studies are needed to elucidate the mechanism(s) whereby parental care affects the development of chronic pain in a gender-dependent fashion.”

Researchers concluded by saying that mass-education on parenting behaviors for optimal bonding may be one of the most promising chronic pain prevention techniques that few are pursuing.