(Below is Part 3 of a four-part series on chronic pain in high school and college. It was penned by a college student who has dealt with chronic pain throughout her academic career. The four-part series will cover four important aspects of college life – Academics, Dating, Employment and Social Life. Here’s Part 3 on how balancing a relationship and chronic pain can sometimes be overwhelming. Click these links for Part 1 and Part 2.

Chronic Pain and Dating

If you want to be in a relationship, you can. I’m not going to say it won’t be complicated at times, but you are still a human being and can enjoy being in a relationship. Some common concerns and reasons to justify avoiding relationships include worries about “burdening others with your health,” worrying about how your pain can affect the time and things you can comfortably do with your partner, and that you won’t be able to enjoy a relationship when your health isn’t stable.

I’ve thought one or more of these things at different points of my life (before, during, and after relationships), I’ve even used my health as a reason to end a relationship, but I’d also like to point out the many good parts about relationships and why you shouldn’t dismiss a relationship opportunity for the “what-if” fears associated with your health. If someone you like asks you out, I would suggest you give it a try before saying no. You’ll never know what you can or cannot do in life unless you try it. Also, don’t assume any two people or relationships are the same. People grow and change throughout life, and as such relationships are and will be different.

Being Honest About Your Pain

Honesty is EXTREMELY important in ALL concerns you may have about how to handle a relationship with at least one individual with chronic pain. Whenever I’ve been in a relationship, the person I’ve dated either knew before or relatively early on that I had back pain. I’ve often thought of my pain as a “burden to others,” but the more people I meet, the more faith I have in humanity and less I think like this. My friends, family, and those I’ve dated have all told me they are there for me whenever I need them, I’m not a burden, and they want to be there for me through the difficult times.

Because I’ve met enough people like this, I believe there is a person of this belief out there for you as well. I made sure to make it clear that I have good and bad days and sometimes that can affect what I’m up for doing (whether that is school, homework, work, or dates). Being open about how you feel when you’re with your significant other can help avoid hurt feelings if there is a time that it would be uncomfortable to go bowling or cuddle or whatever it is. Honesty early on can also allow your date to leave a relationship early on if they can’t handle being in a relationship with someone with health problems. For a different spin on things – you can consider your health as your “baggage.” After all, everyone brings something into a relationship that can complicate things, and there is no shame or avoiding it, so accept it, be honest, and move forward.

Find Support

If you have chronic pain, you will know the strength you need to get through the day. It takes a similar strength to be supportive to someone else in pain, but life is easier when you are with someone who is supportive. Personally, I often find distraction as a great pain-reduction technique; so being with others (even while in intense pain) can actually be helpful. Whether I’m with a group of good friends or with a significant other hanging out, allowing my mind to be on living and enjoying what’s going on in the present has helped me get through some tough times. There are also times that my pain can prevent me from leaving my room. Knowing this about myself has allowed me to enter a relationship, inform my partner, and maintain that communication in the event plans need to change last minute. Nurturing—maybe it’s simply helping others—is an archetypal part of human nature. Professors, friends, family, and significant others are generally helpful and will look for ways to help you through whatever you are dealing with if you share what’s going on. People will be there, don’t ever feel like you have to get through everything by yourself, there is no reason to make yourself do that.

I’m guessing the next biggest problem many young adults with chronic pain worry about in relationships is being physically close with others. I know I’ve struggled with this before. I have times that whatever position I’m in, I’m in pain, or times that my body is painful without even being touched. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been uncomfortable when hanging out with a significant other. However, I have also learned that being honest and setting those boundaries or voicing when you can or can’t or don’t want to do something (whatever the reason) is always the better route. If your significant other truly cares about you, they will understand (they may be disappointed), but they would rather look out for your health, safety, and well being than satisfy a momentary pleasure. In today’s pleasure-seeking culture, maybe this sounds outrageous, but I still think many people that are in relationships (rather than one-night-stands) are people that do care about people in a long-term way rather than just the present. When you’re in a lot of pain, it can be hard to think of the times you aren’t in pain, or think of all the good things and fun things you can do with friends or significant others.

Part 4 will be published early next week.